Use Cognitive Skills to Stop Negative Self-Talk
Self-talk is the running commentary we engage in as we go about our daily lives. At times, this inner voice is compassionate and positive, but for many of us, it can be critical and judgmental.
This inner voice plays a key role in how we see and experience the world around us, and when it is negative it can distort your view of yourself, contributing to low self-esteem, anxiety, and stress.
The good news is that it’s possible to do some “self-coaching” with your inner voice and break free from the cycle of negative self-talk—all you need is the right tools, patience, practice, and commitment.
Types of negative self-talk
Let’s face it, we’ve all experienced the negative inner voice telling things that make us feel defeated, unworthy, or not good enough. This voice pattern usually feeds off deeper fears that we may or may not be consciously aware of.
The problem with these thoughts is that, while they may feel very real, it doesn’t always make them true. Most of the time, what we tell ourselves is based on assumptions, judgments, and fears rather than actual facts. However, when you get caught up in the same problematic thought patterns, it’s easy to mistake them for the truth.
If your inner voice is impacting your daily life, it can help to seek the support of a professional, whether it is with a therapist or a specialized life coach.
Here are some of the most common negative thought patterns we experience:
All-or-nothing thinking: All-or-nothing thinking, or “black-and-white thinking,” polarizes our thoughts. You might view situations in absolute terms without leaving any space to acknowledge anything in the middle. Over time, all-or-nothing thinking can interfere with your motivation, making it harder to achieve long-term goals.
Discounting the positive: When you discount the positive, you invalidate the good things that have happened to you. Maybe you received an amazing compliment from someone you respect, but you assume they are ‘just being nice’. When you discount or ignore positive things, you don’t expect them to happen again. Instead of recognizing and celebrating your strengths, you’re assuming you aren’t competent or deserving—you just got lucky.
Catastrophizing: When you catastrophize, you fully anticipate the worst-case scenario. Often, catastrophizing involves believing that you’re in a worse situation than you really are or exaggerating the problems you’re facing. For example, if you run into traffic during your morning commute, you might convince yourself that you’ll be fired from work for being late. It’s easy to dismiss catastrophizing as over-exaggeration, but most people who catastrophize don’t realize they’re doing it.
“Should” thinking: “Should” thinking involves judging yourself about things you think you “should” be doing or experiencing. When you’re not doing what you think you “should” be, you might feel guilty, worried, or unproductive. These statements only set you up for failure. When you fall short of the unattainable standards you hold yourself to, you fail in your own eyes, which exacerbates feelings of stress and anxiety.
Jumping to conclusions: There are two ways of jumping to conclusions—mind-reading and fortune-telling. Mind-reading involves anticipating that someone will react in a certain way (or think certain thoughts), while fortune-telling involves predicting that events will unfold in a particular way. For example, you’re fortune-telling when you convince yourself that you won’t get the job you’ve interviewed for and mind-reading when you’re certain the interviewer is judging your lack of skills.
How to stop beating yourself up
Taming your inner critic is a process that takes time, dedication, and focus. You’ll first need to practice recognizing when a negative thought occurs, then you need to practice consciously reframing your thoughts.
By challenging your negative thought patterns as they arise, you can retrain your inner voice to be more realistic and positive. Over time, the practice will become habitual, and you will start to enjoy the benefits of more positive thought patterns. In turn, you will begin to nurture a better relationship with yourself and others.
Here is a three-step process to reframing your mindset:
Notice the thought. Even though ignoring problematic thoughts might seem like the best way to deal with them, that will only worsen your problems. The first step is to acknowledge whatever it is that’s making you feel upset—for example, “I’m never going to succeed at this.” Once you’ve identified the thought, you can approach it head-on.
Rationalize the situation. Next, tap into your logic instead of your emotion. Do you have any evidence that your thoughts are true? Is this thought being fueled by worry or fear? Is it possible that the thought could be untrue? You may also want to remind yourself of similar situations when you’ve experienced this thought or a similar one, and then the thought didn’t come true.
Reevaluate the problem. Now ask yourself again, how much do you truly believe in what’s upsetting you? Is it possible you are making assumptions? Are you thinking in black-and-white, worst-case scenario terms?
One of the most effective ways to digest your thoughts is to put pen to paper and write. Journaling can help you with this process because it forces you to slow down and use logic. The advantage of sticking to a journaling routine is that you’re consistently improving your awareness skills, and with them, your mental well-being.
Everyone can benefit from mindfulness, questioning, and balancing of their negative thoughts, and practicing these techniques can make a huge difference in our state of mind, emotions, and behaviors.
Know when getting support is the best choice
There are times when negative self-talk can get the best of us—and that’s completely normal. However, it is vital for your mental, emotional, and physical health not to live in a constant state of stress, worry, and negative thinking.
You have the power to reframe your thought patterns and free yourself from the inner critic, even if you feel that you’ve tried and failed before… but at times, personalized support is the best way to make real, concrete changes in your life.
